citylogs | [closed] catch-all log for December

Normally Loki can at least fake confidence when it comes to romantic partners (or he could when he actually tended to have them), but if there’s any competition now he knows he could lose to, it’s Dream. It’s not that he thinks that Hob is fooling him, or using him or anything of the sort, but if Dream suddenly decided he did want Hob, Loki would hardly blame him if he took him up on that. He would be sad and hurt and all the rest, but how could he not understand? Loki might be a god, but even he understands that is nothing as compared to one of the Endless.

He tries not to think of these things though because he’s selfish and lonely and wants to take up as much of Hob’s time as he’s allowed. He refuses to let it get to him. He’ll enjoy Hob’s company for as long as he can and hopefully longer.

With a gentle smile, he hands Hob one of the cups. “I know, but you do need your rest and I do seem to have disturbed that.” He would never forgive himself if he somehow elongated Hob’s recovery time. “But I admit I wanted to see you too. Though I suppose you know by now I would always like to see you.”

Hob's interest in Loki is nothing but genuine, and once Hob has chosen a partner, he isn't about to leave that partner. He's loyal. Even if his previous loves were all human, he would not have left any of them if Dream had knocked on his door while he was with them. Sure, perhaps his heart has a little pocket where Dream continues to exist, but Hob is a very devoted man. He knows he'd be a fool not to embrace Loki's feelings for him, and Hob has feelings for the Asgardian, as well.

The tea is sipped a few times with an approving nod. "I've slept plenty, believe me." When Loki says he always wants to see him, Hob can't help but smile as he lowers his cup. Another drink follows and Hob reaches to set the cup down on the nightstand with the slightest wince around his eyes for the sideways movement. Then, he puts his hands on the mattress to edge his body over, providing some more space.

"I might have had something specific in mind when I invited you over." It wasn't tea. Hob lifts the side of the blanket as an invitation. "Get in." If Loki wants to accept the invitation, he can slide into bed under the covers with Hob.

Loki could not boast the same about loyalty, not really. It’s not that he’s incapable of it, he’s just never met anyone he thought was deserving of his loyalty. At least not until now. Hob stands out from the crowd and is so much better than anyone he’s had the pleasure of knowing. There is simply something special about him and it makes Loki want nothing more than to keep him safe and have him around for as long as possible.

Of course, he likes him as more than a friend, much more, but even if Hob didn’t like him like that in return or he was ever to change his mind, Loki would still want him in his life however he could have him.

“I’m sure you have.” Loki sounds and looks a little skeptical. It’s not that he thinks Hob is lying, but Loki knows how important rest is when you’ve been injured. He himself wasn’t right for a long time after his fall from the Bifrost bridge and his little run in with the Hulk hadn’t helped.

They sit in companionable silence for a few moments as Loki also sips at his tea, savouring it as it reminds him of home. Something that wasn’t a pleasant memory for him for too long. It is nice to have that back, even if he can never go home. It’s nice, just being with Hob like this. He wonders if this is the right time to tell him about his run in with Ethan.

But before he can even think about how to broach the subject, Hob is putting down his tea and shifting over, inviting him into his bed. And Norns if it isn’t a tempting offer. He’s so tired and the idea of touching Hob, being able to feel for himself that he is alive and well would do wonders for his mental state. But is it good for Hob?

“Are you sure? I do not want to aggravate your wounds.”

Hob had been charmed by Loki from the start, when a first, seemingly innocent dance was enjoyed more than Hob had anticipaed. Every time they spoke after or spent time together, it was always the highlight of Hob's day. He found himself wondering how Loki might be doing when they were apart. The feelings just snuck up on him before he realized they were there. Now, they're hard to deny.

As Loki hesitates to get into the bed, Hob laughs a little. His eyes may still be tired, but they also shine with amusement as he lies back to recline against the pillows. "I'm only asking you to get in, not give me a work out. Sorry, but, you'll have to wait a little longer for that." Even if he tries to sound cool about it, Hob ends up blushing at his own joke.

"Come on. My arm is getting tired." But he'll keep holding up the blanket until Loki gets in or flat out refuses the invitation. Hob won't be mad if he refuses, though.

The joke works and Loki huffs out a soft laugh. “Fine, I suppose I can wait.” What? Like he would be able to not answer a joke with a joke. But still, he does feel a little better. Hob always seems to make him feel better. He doesn’t know how he does it, but he’ll take it.

Loki kicks off his shoes and does something he’s been testing by changing his clothing to something more comfortable (plain black jogging pants and a green t-shirt, Midgardian clothing he’d been trying and find he quite liked) using only his magic. He grins, curious about Hob’s reaction, but doesn’t say anything as he climbs in.

Once in, he wants to press himself up against Hob, hold him or be held, he doesn’t much care which, but he doesn’t know how to ask. “Can I…?” He starts, but shakes his head, a light blush tinting his cheeks. “Never mind. How are you feeling? Really?”

Hob didn't anticipate the use of magic, so when Loki's clothes suddenly change into those more fitting for getting into bed, Hob can't help but stare with an amazed look as his blush intensifies. Loki can magic those clothes.. off.. just as quickly, can't he? Wait, no, he can't think about that right now!

Loki crawls in and continues to hesitate out of concern, which puts an appreciative smile on Hob's face. "I'm on the mend. And I feel.. frustrated. By a lot of things. Having you here makes me feel better, though."

He reaches with both arms to circle them around Loki and draw him closer until he's at Hob's side.

"Gently..."

If Loki's careful, he can put his head on Hob's shoulder and cuddle up next to him.

Why yes, yes he can. It's something he's found he's still able to do, though it seems his magic taps out after a rather small number of uses here. It is better than he initially thought though. But he wouldn't confirm or deny that now anyway. Besides, he's unsure he can help anyone else out of their clothing yet. A test for another time, to be sure.

Loki lets out a sympathetic sigh. "Yes, I know how hard it can be when you are unable to do every day things you enjoy. Pain is no fun either. I am glad I can be of some help, at least."

There's a bit of surprise on Loki's face as Hob slowly pulls him in a bit closer, but then relief fills him and he begins to relax as he does just that and lays his head on Hob's shoulder. On hand begins to gently fidget with the hem of Hob's shirt. "I want to tell you something, but I'm worried I will upset you if I do."

Hob has seen how Dream's powers can tire him here, so he wouldn't ask Loki to use his magic on something that trivial; not when Hob can enjoy undressing Loki, himself. That's for another time, as well. For now, he's happy when Loki leans closer to rest against him. This lets Hob put one arm around Loki from beneath him while the other gently brushes along Loki's shoulder. Beneath the hem of Hob's shirt, Loki can feel the bandages that circle his body around his stomach.

Loki's words cause Hob's brow to furrow out of concern. "I want you to tell me, then." Though he doesn't think he'll get upset with Loki, even if he has no idea what it is, yet.

Feeling the edge of Hob's bandages cause his heart to seize slightly. He frowns to himself, hating that he was hurt but so glad he's going to be okay. It's just a visceral reminder that he was not there to help, during or after. This is why he had tried to speak to Johanna, because as much as he doesn't want to hurt Ethan, had he been there when the attack happened, he would've torn the wolf apart for even looking at Hob. Or Johanna for that matter.

As Hob puts his arm around him, Loki looks down, his cheek rested on Hob's shoulder as he watches his hand play with the other man's shirt. He nods in response without lifting his head and swallows nervously. He thinks he did the right thing. He thinks he handled things correctly, but he doesn't know, not for sure. Loki is a creature of emotion and just the fact that he stopped to talk about it before simply reacting is an improvement. He just doesn't know if Hob will see that.

"I'm not sure if you saw, but Mr. Chandler put an apology of sorts out over the devices. I may have gone to see him."

Without knowing it was Ethan, Hob might have thanked Loki for putting down such a monster, only to regret it later. In that way, he's glad he was mostly alone at the time. Johanna did save him from a worse fate, but he's still angry at her, despite it. He can be grateful and angry at the same time.

Hob's never seen Loki look quite so nervous, though. He nods a little, "I did see it. We spoke about what happened." Hob doesn't appear to hold any malice over the attack. "You went to see him? What happened?" Hob's voice is quietly curious.

Without knowing it was Ethan, Loki would've likely felt the same. Though the guilt would only have been due to it being Ethan specifically. He can't say he would care all that much if it was someone he didn't know. That level of empathy, it would seem, will take a bit more practice for Loki.

"I wanted to hurt him." Loki decides to start with pure honesty. For some reason Hob is one of the few people he finds he can't lie to. Or perhaps he simply doesn't want to, he's not really sure. "But I know that is not what you wanted, or ever would want, so I spoke with him. I let him explain. It was all rather difficult, perhaps more so than if I had just hit him. He... really is a much better person than I am."

Hob appreciates that Loki is honest with him, even about the things he doesn't think Hob will like. As he speaks, Hob gently brushes his hand against Loki's shoulder in a soothing gesture.

Hearing that Loki spoke to Ethan, instead, makes Hob smile softly. It's easier to take action without knowing the whole story, and it sounds like Loki got that from Ethan. Although it was difficult, Loki resisted his natural instinct and acted in a way that would make him happy.

"Thank you. I am very proud of you for handling it like that."

“You are?” It’s not that he doesn’t believe him. Hob wouldn’t lie to him about anything, but especially not something like this. But it’s still rather difficult for him to believe. Loki is just too used to giving into his natural instincts and his instincts had been screaming at him to do something awful to Ethan for hurting someone he cares about.

“He made me realize a few things about myself. Things I never really wanted to examine. I couldn’t do anything to him at that point, even if I was still angry. Even if I am still angry. But it seems now the most important thing will be preventing it from happening again.” Because now not only is Loki worried about anyone he’s become friendly with running into Ethan’s monster again, but he’s also worried about Ethan.

It's because Loki did something that was difficult for him to do, that went against what he may have wanted to do, that Hob is proud of him. Hob thinks Loki made the right decision. This city may be big, but everyone stuck here has to find a way to live with each other, which includes helping each other and even forgiving one another from time to time.

When Loki says that he had to face some personal issues, Hob hugs his arm around Loki a bit more. "Do you want to talk about that?" Those things that bothered Loki so much.

All of those are perfectly good reasons, it's just not something Loki is used to, and part of him is still second guessing himself, feeling like he should have done more. What that might be, he's unsure, but Loki's never been in a situation like this before, where he cared about someone this much. Everyone he's even remotely cared about before were fully able to take care of themselves. They hadn't needed the likes of Loki to look out for them.

That is a loaded question that Loki takes maybe a bit too long to answer. "I do. I want you to know everything about me, so you can make a proper decision about me before we get any closer. But I am afraid." Loki has done some truly terrible things in his life, most of which happened all in the last decade or so. A blink of an eye really when compared to the rest of his life, but would feel so much longer to many others. He says before they get closer, but the truth of it is, Loki is already hopelessly gone on Hob and if he’s rejected, he’s not sure he’ll ever get over it. He’s not very good at that sort of thing.

So he can make a proper decision? As if Hob's decision hasn't already been made? Changing his mind now would hurt Hob, too, as would being rejected by Loki.

His hand touches Loki's side, moving in a soothing motion back and forth. "You're not going to change my mind." But Loki will know for sure when he tells Hob the things he needs Hob to know. "Go on." He can talk about it if he's ready.

There is one thing that is for certain, Loki could never reject Hob. Not now, maybe not ever. There isn’t a world where he could give him up now, he’s only trying to say the right thing, do the right thing, but he would be crushed if he did anything to make Hob reject him.

Loki lets out a long breath and closes his eyes. “I am not a good person, but lately I have been trying to be better. Even before I arrived here, I was trying, but it was hard. I do not trust easily, I never did, but it became much harder about ten years ago when I found out I was adopted. Or according to some, stolen, from a race of people I was raised to believe were our mortal enemy. The word monster was thrown around a lot when referring to them. Needless to say, I reacted rather badly and I hurt and killed a lot of people. I… I tried to have my brother killed, I invaded earth with an alien army and ended up destroying one of their major cities. I faked my death a number of times and even forced some to do things against their wills.” He pauses for a minute there before whispering, “I am responsible for my mother’s death.”

There’s another pause before he begins speaking again. He worries that if he doesn’t take a moment to take a breath, he will start to cry. “Some of what Ethan told me made me empathize with him because of what I had been through, but what disturbs me truly is that while he steps up, admits his wrong doings and tries to right his wrongs, I did none of those things. I was imprisoned by my family for a time, but I never attempted to make things right. Not until more recently anyway and even when I did, when I finally thought I might be making things better with my brother and my people. Well, I died, and woke up here. I do not know if this is a second chance, but the one thing I truly learned from my conversation with Ethan is that I was definitely handling things very badly. I do not think I deserve forgiveness for all I have done, I merely hope that you hearing this hasn’t resulted in me losing you.”

As his story comes to an end, Loki feels tense, as if he’s waiting for Hob to kick him out, which is really the truth. It seems at least possible, but for once in his life, he has hope.

When Loki starts talking, Hob listens, and he doesn't interrupt. That’s more than Hob bargained for. A lot. He understands it must have been so hard for Loki, so heartbreaking to learn those things about himself and his family. Anguish and rage can cause a person to do terrible things. Even Hob has done things he's not proud of.

When Loki finishes, Hob is silent. Not because he doesn't want to say something, he just doesn't know what to say at first. Again, it's a lot. Were Hob from the world Loki is from, living in the city Loki decimated, he probably would've thought of Loki as a monster, too, and that hurts his heart.

Hob exhales a shaky breath, "Oh, Loki..." Hob doesn't push him away or let him go, though. He keeps his arms around Loki as he absorbs it all. One, in particular, stings on a more personal level; hearing that Loki died. That brings tears to Hob's eyes.

"Knowing you here, as I do, I can't hate you for the things you've done." The cruel person Loki describes is not the one Hob has come to care for.

Despite the fear he feels as he speaks, he also begins to feel lighter. There are plenty of people that know what Loki has done, but admitting it to someone he cares about feels like unloading a burden. He deserves it if Hob does leave him, he knows that, but at least he’s given him the opportunity to make an informed decision.

Ironically, he doesn’t see how that attitude alone is proof of change. Not all that long ago he never would have even considered telling someone he cares about. He would’ve lied and cheated and manipulated every way he could think of to keep it from him instead of facing up to it dead on.

The silence is almost suffocating to him as he waits to see just which way things will go. If Loki were one to pray, he would be doing that just now. Instead he simply closes his eyes and tries not to panic. He can feel tears prick the corners of his eyes as he holds his breath, waiting to hear Hob’s response.

The way Hob says his name feels loaded and Loki can’t tell if he’s about to be forgiven or pushed away forever. The only thing holding him together is that Hob’s arm is still securely around him.

When Hob finally speaks, Loki lets out a shaky breath that sounds dangerously close to a sob. He feels both relieved and a little disbelieving, like he must have heard him wrong. “I think you could.” Loki’s voice is barely above a whisper as he tries not to show he’s crying. “But… are you sure?”

Hob feels a tremble in Loki and draws him in closer, a hand on the back of Loki's head to guide him so he can tuck his face against Hob's chest. The cotton t-shirt he's wearing will absorb those tears. Hob's hand pets the back of Loki's hair to comfort him.

"I am sure." Seeing Loki so upset just makes Hob emotional, too. He blinks away a few tears that are shed for Loki's sake. He waits until Loki catches his breath a little before Hob ventures to talk about it further.

"You said.. you died. But you're not dead now, so what does that mean?" Was Loki brought back to life? Is he still dead back home? What is going to happen to him? Is Hob falling for him only to lose him?

When prompted, Loki cuddles up to Hob, though he’s still quite careful of his wounds. He can’t help but press his face into his chest, taking comfort from the warmth and smell of him as he tries to keep control and fails.

He can hear the emotion in Hob’s voice and he shifts just enough so he can sit up and look at Hob again, though he stays firmly pressed against him, needing to feel him. “I’m sorry, I really did not want to upset you.” His voice is still soft as he gently wipes at the tears Hob has shed.

His heart freezes a bit when Hob asks about his death. He hadn’t meant to tell him like this, he hadn’t wanted to tell him at all, though he knew he would eventually. But while he was trying to recover and after piling on all this stuff about his past? It is not his finest moment.

“I don’t know, not for sure. I have been trying to find out. When I arrived, I wasn’t sure I had died at all. I thought perhaps I had just passed out, but I have had it confirmed. At least as best as I can confirm anything in this place. I think it might be why this place was able to take me in the first place.” Loki swallows thickly then, casting his eyes down in shame. “I should have told you sooner. No one wants to become attached to a dead man walking, I am sure.”

Right now, Hob hardly notices his wounds. He just wants Loki to be near him. When Loki pulls away, Hob tries to hide the emotion in his eyes, but it's impossible. When his tears are wiped away, he gasps softly and a few new ones are shed, which he quickly blinks away.

There is no good timing for that news, so Hob isn't concerned with all of it being piled on at once. Hob feels incredibly selfish, though, because of all the things Loki told him, there's only one thing that really upsets him, and that's the thought of losing Loki.

Calling himself a 'dead man walking' makes Hob's heart ache. It's a little too late not to get attached. "I..." It's hard to say the words. "I'm used to it. Loving someone and losing them. If I didn't allow myself to be with someone who would one day die, I'd always be alone." And that's not what Hob wants. His life is richer when he's sharing it with someone he cares about, no matter the eventual pain that will bring.

"I just thought, with you, maybe, it would be different." That he wouldn't have to be afraid. "But maybe it still can be. You're here. You're alive. What happened before might not happen again, or maybe things will be different." Perhaps this really is a second chance. Hob doesn't know how Loki is alive here and now, but Hob is grateful for it.

Hob might not be paying attention to his wounds right now, but Loki is. Seeing Hob sad hurts and he's not going to do something stupid by hurting him physically as well. He really shouldn't have said anything, at least not right now, but since he spoke with Ethan his thoughts on this have been bothering him and Hob was the first and possibly only, person he'd wanted to speak with about it. It doesn't make him feel any less guilty or selfish though.

When Hob speaks, Loki lets out a sad sigh and lets his forehead drop to his shoulder. His fingers grip at the hem of his shirt as he feels he needs to hold onto something, and that seems like the safest thing right now. "I'm so sorry. I did not want to be that for you. I should have said something earlier, the moment I knew I had feelings for you so you could choose to leave more easily. I was just... scared. Not just of losing you, but of the fact that I should not be alive. It is something I ignored for awhile after I arrived."

Loki looks up at him again with a sad smile. "I'm hoping it still can be different. I will not stop looking for a way to stay alive, to stay with you. For as long as you will have me."

As Loki drops his head onto Hob's shoulder, Hob brushes his fingers back over Loki's ear and caresses his hair. Maybe it's Hob's fault for presuming too much about who Loki is. Even gods can die, apparently, even when a single human man does not. Hob let himself get wrapped up in the idea that something or someone other than himself might last forever; someone he could hold on to. But despite knowing what happened to Loki before he came here, coming here may have changed everything. Hope remains.

"It would not have been easy, and I don't imagine I could have left, either way." Hob had already grown very fond of his friend, and like Hob said, if he let death stand in the way of his feelings, he'd have to stop feeling all-together. What would be the point in living, then?

"Maybe it is possible. I'll do everything I can to help." The sad smile is returned with a fond look. Hob is not giving up on him.

Hob’s touch is soothing. Something he hasn’t felt in quite some time. When was the last time someone tried to make him feel better? Thor had made attempts at points, his mother for certain, but not in longer than Loki can really remember. He feels a bit ashamed, but takes comfort in the touch. Yet another thing he’s willing to take even when he thinks he doesn’t deserve it.

More than anything he wants to be there with Hob, to be the one that could stay with him forever. Even without what happened right before he arrived in the city, he would’ve only had a few thousand years. But that was better than most could offer him, he knows.

“You would choose to stay, even if you’d known?” That really does surprise Loki, and it’s evident in his tone. He understands that there have been times when Hob has found people he cares for that will live a fraction of what Loki should and how hard that must be. It’s why he never sought out mortals himself. But he’s still not convinced that Hob doesn’t have a chance with Dream. He’s a much more certain thing.

Loki lets himself smile then and he leans in to give Hob a gentle kiss, just a light brush of their lips. “Together we can make anything happen.” He tries to sound confident about that because he wants so badly for it to be true.

[closed] catch-all log for December

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)