[closed] catch-all log for December
WHO: (
100more) & Various
WHAT: May vary
WHERE: Mostly at Hob's home but can vary
WHEN: Late Nov - Dec
WARNINGS: Talk of werewolf attacks, injuries, possible affection?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
WHAT: May vary
WHERE: Mostly at Hob's home but can vary
WHEN: Late Nov - Dec
WARNINGS: Talk of werewolf attacks, injuries, possible affection?
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Loki lets out a sympathetic sigh. "Yes, I know how hard it can be when you are unable to do every day things you enjoy. Pain is no fun either. I am glad I can be of some help, at least."
There's a bit of surprise on Loki's face as Hob slowly pulls him in a bit closer, but then relief fills him and he begins to relax as he does just that and lays his head on Hob's shoulder. On hand begins to gently fidget with the hem of Hob's shirt. "I want to tell you something, but I'm worried I will upset you if I do."
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Loki's words cause Hob's brow to furrow out of concern. "I want you to tell me, then." Though he doesn't think he'll get upset with Loki, even if he has no idea what it is, yet.
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As Hob puts his arm around him, Loki looks down, his cheek rested on Hob's shoulder as he watches his hand play with the other man's shirt. He nods in response without lifting his head and swallows nervously. He thinks he did the right thing. He thinks he handled things correctly, but he doesn't know, not for sure. Loki is a creature of emotion and just the fact that he stopped to talk about it before simply reacting is an improvement. He just doesn't know if Hob will see that.
"I'm not sure if you saw, but Mr. Chandler put an apology of sorts out over the devices. I may have gone to see him."
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Hob's never seen Loki look quite so nervous, though. He nods a little, "I did see it. We spoke about what happened." Hob doesn't appear to hold any malice over the attack. "You went to see him? What happened?" Hob's voice is quietly curious.
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"I wanted to hurt him." Loki decides to start with pure honesty. For some reason Hob is one of the few people he finds he can't lie to. Or perhaps he simply doesn't want to, he's not really sure. "But I know that is not what you wanted, or ever would want, so I spoke with him. I let him explain. It was all rather difficult, perhaps more so than if I had just hit him. He... really is a much better person than I am."
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Hearing that Loki spoke to Ethan, instead, makes Hob smile softly. It's easier to take action without knowing the whole story, and it sounds like Loki got that from Ethan. Although it was difficult, Loki resisted his natural instinct and acted in a way that would make him happy.
"Thank you. I am very proud of you for handling it like that."
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“He made me realize a few things about myself. Things I never really wanted to examine. I couldn’t do anything to him at that point, even if I was still angry. Even if I am still angry. But it seems now the most important thing will be preventing it from happening again.” Because now not only is Loki worried about anyone he’s become friendly with running into Ethan’s monster again, but he’s also worried about Ethan.
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When Loki says that he had to face some personal issues, Hob hugs his arm around Loki a bit more. "Do you want to talk about that?" Those things that bothered Loki so much.
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That is a loaded question that Loki takes maybe a bit too long to answer. "I do. I want you to know everything about me, so you can make a proper decision about me before we get any closer. But I am afraid." Loki has done some truly terrible things in his life, most of which happened all in the last decade or so. A blink of an eye really when compared to the rest of his life, but would feel so much longer to many others. He says before they get closer, but the truth of it is, Loki is already hopelessly gone on Hob and if he’s rejected, he’s not sure he’ll ever get over it. He’s not very good at that sort of thing.
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His hand touches Loki's side, moving in a soothing motion back and forth. "You're not going to change my mind." But Loki will know for sure when he tells Hob the things he needs Hob to know. "Go on." He can talk about it if he's ready.
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Loki lets out a long breath and closes his eyes. “I am not a good person, but lately I have been trying to be better. Even before I arrived here, I was trying, but it was hard. I do not trust easily, I never did, but it became much harder about ten years ago when I found out I was adopted. Or according to some, stolen, from a race of people I was raised to believe were our mortal enemy. The word monster was thrown around a lot when referring to them. Needless to say, I reacted rather badly and I hurt and killed a lot of people. I… I tried to have my brother killed, I invaded earth with an alien army and ended up destroying one of their major cities. I faked my death a number of times and even forced some to do things against their wills.” He pauses for a minute there before whispering, “I am responsible for my mother’s death.”
There’s another pause before he begins speaking again. He worries that if he doesn’t take a moment to take a breath, he will start to cry. “Some of what Ethan told me made me empathize with him because of what I had been through, but what disturbs me truly is that while he steps up, admits his wrong doings and tries to right his wrongs, I did none of those things. I was imprisoned by my family for a time, but I never attempted to make things right. Not until more recently anyway and even when I did, when I finally thought I might be making things better with my brother and my people. Well, I died, and woke up here. I do not know if this is a second chance, but the one thing I truly learned from my conversation with Ethan is that I was definitely handling things very badly. I do not think I deserve forgiveness for all I have done, I merely hope that you hearing this hasn’t resulted in me losing you.”
As his story comes to an end, Loki feels tense, as if he’s waiting for Hob to kick him out, which is really the truth. It seems at least possible, but for once in his life, he has hope.
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When Loki finishes, Hob is silent. Not because he doesn't want to say something, he just doesn't know what to say at first. Again, it's a lot. Were Hob from the world Loki is from, living in the city Loki decimated, he probably would've thought of Loki as a monster, too, and that hurts his heart.
Hob exhales a shaky breath, "Oh, Loki..." Hob doesn't push him away or let him go, though. He keeps his arms around Loki as he absorbs it all. One, in particular, stings on a more personal level; hearing that Loki died. That brings tears to Hob's eyes.
"Knowing you here, as I do, I can't hate you for the things you've done." The cruel person Loki describes is not the one Hob has come to care for.
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Ironically, he doesn’t see how that attitude alone is proof of change. Not all that long ago he never would have even considered telling someone he cares about. He would’ve lied and cheated and manipulated every way he could think of to keep it from him instead of facing up to it dead on.
The silence is almost suffocating to him as he waits to see just which way things will go. If Loki were one to pray, he would be doing that just now. Instead he simply closes his eyes and tries not to panic. He can feel tears prick the corners of his eyes as he holds his breath, waiting to hear Hob’s response.
The way Hob says his name feels loaded and Loki can’t tell if he’s about to be forgiven or pushed away forever. The only thing holding him together is that Hob’s arm is still securely around him.
When Hob finally speaks, Loki lets out a shaky breath that sounds dangerously close to a sob. He feels both relieved and a little disbelieving, like he must have heard him wrong. “I think you could.” Loki’s voice is barely above a whisper as he tries not to show he’s crying. “But… are you sure?”
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"I am sure." Seeing Loki so upset just makes Hob emotional, too. He blinks away a few tears that are shed for Loki's sake. He waits until Loki catches his breath a little before Hob ventures to talk about it further.
"You said.. you died. But you're not dead now, so what does that mean?" Was Loki brought back to life? Is he still dead back home? What is going to happen to him? Is Hob falling for him only to lose him?
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He can hear the emotion in Hob’s voice and he shifts just enough so he can sit up and look at Hob again, though he stays firmly pressed against him, needing to feel him. “I’m sorry, I really did not want to upset you.” His voice is still soft as he gently wipes at the tears Hob has shed.
His heart freezes a bit when Hob asks about his death. He hadn’t meant to tell him like this, he hadn’t wanted to tell him at all, though he knew he would eventually. But while he was trying to recover and after piling on all this stuff about his past? It is not his finest moment.
“I don’t know, not for sure. I have been trying to find out. When I arrived, I wasn’t sure I had died at all. I thought perhaps I had just passed out, but I have had it confirmed. At least as best as I can confirm anything in this place. I think it might be why this place was able to take me in the first place.” Loki swallows thickly then, casting his eyes down in shame. “I should have told you sooner. No one wants to become attached to a dead man walking, I am sure.”
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There is no good timing for that news, so Hob isn't concerned with all of it being piled on at once. Hob feels incredibly selfish, though, because of all the things Loki told him, there's only one thing that really upsets him, and that's the thought of losing Loki.
Calling himself a 'dead man walking' makes Hob's heart ache. It's a little too late not to get attached. "I..." It's hard to say the words. "I'm used to it. Loving someone and losing them. If I didn't allow myself to be with someone who would one day die, I'd always be alone." And that's not what Hob wants. His life is richer when he's sharing it with someone he cares about, no matter the eventual pain that will bring.
"I just thought, with you, maybe, it would be different." That he wouldn't have to be afraid. "But maybe it still can be. You're here. You're alive. What happened before might not happen again, or maybe things will be different." Perhaps this really is a second chance. Hob doesn't know how Loki is alive here and now, but Hob is grateful for it.
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When Hob speaks, Loki lets out a sad sigh and lets his forehead drop to his shoulder. His fingers grip at the hem of his shirt as he feels he needs to hold onto something, and that seems like the safest thing right now. "I'm so sorry. I did not want to be that for you. I should have said something earlier, the moment I knew I had feelings for you so you could choose to leave more easily. I was just... scared. Not just of losing you, but of the fact that I should not be alive. It is something I ignored for awhile after I arrived."
Loki looks up at him again with a sad smile. "I'm hoping it still can be different. I will not stop looking for a way to stay alive, to stay with you. For as long as you will have me."
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"It would not have been easy, and I don't imagine I could have left, either way." Hob had already grown very fond of his friend, and like Hob said, if he let death stand in the way of his feelings, he'd have to stop feeling all-together. What would be the point in living, then?
"Maybe it is possible. I'll do everything I can to help." The sad smile is returned with a fond look. Hob is not giving up on him.
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More than anything he wants to be there with Hob, to be the one that could stay with him forever. Even without what happened right before he arrived in the city, he would’ve only had a few thousand years. But that was better than most could offer him, he knows.
“You would choose to stay, even if you’d known?” That really does surprise Loki, and it’s evident in his tone. He understands that there have been times when Hob has found people he cares for that will live a fraction of what Loki should and how hard that must be. It’s why he never sought out mortals himself. But he’s still not convinced that Hob doesn’t have a chance with Dream. He’s a much more certain thing.
Loki lets himself smile then and he leans in to give Hob a gentle kiss, just a light brush of their lips. “Together we can make anything happen.” He tries to sound confident about that because he wants so badly for it to be true.
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"Yes, I would have. For the same reason I once married and had children of my own, despite knowing the eventual outcome. Having you in my life makes my life richer."
The gentle kiss is returned, and then he smiles, touching his forehead against Loki's. "And you are exceptionally handsome. The most stunning man I've ever had the pleasure to hold, so how was I to refuse?"
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“I cannot tell you how lucky I feel. That I can be counted amongst people you care for that much. I really want to show you I am worthy of your time.” He knows that Hob doesn’t see it that way, but it doesn’t stop Loki from feeling that way. He wants to make him proud.
Loki laughs softly, unable not to grin widely at those words, a blush colouring his cheeks at being told how stunning Hob thinks he is. Loki is aware people find him handsome, but he’s never been told anything quite like that before. “You are hardly hard to look at yourself, you know. I bet you have not had trouble finding a partner in the past. I’m sure many a man or woman have come knocking at your door.”
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The idea that Loki is not worthy is responded to with a light shake of Hob's head, but Loki probably already knows that Hob disagrees with that idea. In Hob's eyes, Loki is worthy of so much more.
Hob is happy he can make Loki laugh and blush like that. He's so handsome when he smiles. Whether others have come knocking is one thing, but how many has Hob let in? In the past several centuries, it's not like it was in the old days when he was younger and wilder.
"Uh.. um.." There's a bit of uncertainty in his voice. "I've wanted to tell you, since we've been getting so close.." Why does he feel so embarrassed? And his heart is pounding so hard. Normally, he'd keep details like this hidden along with the secret of his immortality, but he doesn't have to hide that from Loki. Hob looks away. "I.. haven't been with anyone since my last wife. That was... eighty years ago?" Oh God, maybe he should've kept that to himself after all.
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Once again, Loki doesn't quite realize that this same logic could be applied to himself with how Hob thinks of him, but as smart as he is, he really is bad at seeing himself. He just smiles softly, unsure of what to say to that shake of the head. He knows what Hob thinks, he just worries he's wrong. More than anything, Loki wants to live up to his expectations.
That revelation surprises Loki if only because he can't help but imagine that Hob would have his choice of anyone he wants. Then he's confused because Hob seems embarrassed by that. "Were you... worried about telling me that?" He asks gently, his curiosity evident as much as his confusion. Loki can't remember the last time he was with someone. Certainly long before the debacle around Thor's coronation. His reputation really hadn't helped him in such matters.
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"My conquesting years are behind me." He passes Loki a small smile, then looks at him more directly. "I want to be with someone I care about." Maybe that's old fashioned, but it doesn't really do much for Hob, otherwise.
And as particular as Hob may be, he wouldn't choose Loki if he thought Loki were a bad person. He sees the goodness in Loki, and how Loki handled the encounter with Ethan has only proven Hob's opinion correct.
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Where this man came from and how Loki got so lucky is a mystery for the ages, he's sure, but he's hardly about to take it for granted. The Norns have given him something beyond special here and he plans to treat it with all the care and respect it deserves. Because Hob deserves all the care and respect.
"Have I mentioned that I like a man who knows what he wants?" It's a bit of a joke, just because Loki is having a hard time understanding how he became someone for Hob to care for. Don't get him wrong, he loves that he is and will do everything in his power to keep things on the right track, but it doesn't mean it's still not surprising for him. Also, it's true. There's no wondering if he's understood correctly, no worries that he didn't get it right. Hob is being quite straight-foward with him and he appreciates it greatly.
"You know, we are not so different, you and I. I also have not had time for conquests in some time. Nor do I find the idea appealing. It is much better waiting for someone you care for than just a one night stand." Not that Loki hasn't had fun with those, even recently, but he thinks this will be much better.
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