citylogs | september catch-all { fabric of shame and sorrow's name

[ What has changed? Ethan is Ethan. Only... ]

There is something— I don't know. Some moments now he looks at me in a way he never has, and there is something there that...frightens me. Something I cannot name.

[ And Vanessa has been used to being confused by Ethan, by knowing of a monster that he hides, and yet this isn't that. She was never frightened by any of that. ]

His eyes are different.

Then ... perhaps he has seen something that you have not. Something that has changed him since you last saw him.

[ To that, she'll need a moment longer to think. ]

Before I was taken here, he and I were on our way back to London in the hopes of rescuing a friend of ours from a terrible danger. I have been dreadfully worried over the state of them all, but Mr. Chandler insists that everything went well in my absence. I can imagine how troubled they may have been to first find me gone, but they did not need me.

[ Which is...an entirely different matter. But she's glad, of course, or else they'd all be dead. ]

...He said something so strange when first calling out to me. [ She needs a moment to recollect exactly. ] That he...wouldn't leave me here. 'Not this time.' He said it in such a way— I have never heard him sound like that.

[ Even in relation to the city, it doesn't make much sense. Why would that be the first thing said to her? ]

[ he takes his own time to consider her words, their footfalls quiet in the grass. ]

... How did he sound to you?

[ She can think of several words and yet none. She has heard him say her name with a doting affection when allowing himself that rare warmth of companionship. She has heard his voice break along with his heart while she stared down the barrel of his gun and begged for the mercy of it. Yet how can this be more? How can it be nothing? ]

I don't...know. [ Rarely is she so hesitant, so openly bewildered, but she doesn't know how to answer. ] I... I have never heard my name spoken in such a chord. I wouldn't know what to name it.

[ She only knows that it doesn't sound...right. ]

Do you know to what he refers when he spoke "not this time"?

[ The shake of her head is slight. ]

I have been tearing through my memories, but there is nothing. We haven't known each other overlong, but we have faced such trials in that time, seen things that would break lesser men. We have always indulged our separate lives, but when it was a matter of import, he was never far. He has never abandoned me.

Then that must be clarified before any conclusions are drawn.

[ To that, she's silent for so long it seems she may not bother answering. Then, ]

He has always kept his true thoughts hidden from me. I do not fault him; we all have our secrets. Now, I believe he has another one. It is his to keep.

[ Vanessa has never pressed Ethan on the past troubles which made him the man he is today. It isn't in her nature. If he had wanted to tell her, then he would have when they spent all night talking. ]

Only—

[ Her footfalls slow, and she stares into nothingness while finding the root of it; the thing that will not better even with knowledge. ]

[ he doesn't prompt her beyond his statement, not wanting to push her before she's ready. it's clear there's a lot on her mind.

he takes one, two more steps when she slows, pulling just in front of her. he pauses altogether to glance back to her. ]

Only this now involves you in some fashion. You have a right to ask of him.

Yes...but he will not answer, and even should he, I—

[ She stops with a soft hitch in her breath, her thumb running over the rosary beads gathered in her pocket. Only then does she look back up, jaw still tense from the nagging omen she has yet to name. Something in her wants to weep. ]

I am afraid.

[ She always is one to say that it's better to know, no matter what, and yet? Whether she knows or doesn't know, she knows she won't find comfort. ]

That has never happened before. Not with him.

Afraid of him?

[ asked gently, bordering on softly, with the slightest tilt to his head. ]

Or afraid of his answer?

[ She doesn't know how to respond, looking away toward one of the more well-managed headstones. ]

...Ethan would never hurt me.

[ It's murmured, a soft assurance for herself more than him, and when she catches herself she'll look away from the headstone to resume her walk. ]

Mr. Chandler would never leave me alone in my time of need. He looks no different than he ever did. He worries as he ever did.

[ At times, too much. When she can look into his eyes and see behind the sadness and sweetness, beyond the pain of his monster, there is another silhouette that strikes her with fear. It's light—so subtle. Impossible to forget. ]

Perhaps I misheard him. This city has begun to tarnish my heart. I fear I am losing pieces of myself, of what I thought I knew, even more-so than I already was.

[ he begins to walk with her again as she passes him, still keeping a polite distance between them, hands in his coat pocket. ]

... You original message to me. Was it regarding his arrival?

[ Oh, yes, the entire reason this walk even began. Her 'mistaken' message. ]

Ah, that was...only a misunderstanding.

[ Of the highest degree. ]

I never expected anyone from home to be here, so when I saw someone coming for me with such fervor I had a slight jolt. Of course, he only meant to greet me.

I dropped the device when— I stumbled from the momentary fright.

[ She did technically stumble, right before the tackle took her down, and she was shocked. ]

And yet, it messaged me specifically.

Mm. [ Hands slip from her pockets to clasp in front of wrinkled skirts. ] In that moment of doubt, before I knew who he was, I did find your name. In that...mall, when I felt overtaken by doubt, by fear, you reminded me of why such things can't control me. And then I was less afraid.

[ For the sake of hope. For companionship. ]

You guided me out of the labyrinth.

[ With a slight, though sad smile, she'll offer him a glance before looking back to the path. ]

So when afraid, I think of you.

... Are you in need of courage, lady?

[ Again, she could almost smile. ]

I have already found some while in your company, Lord Morpheus.

[ if he's pleased, or even displeased, at hearing her say that, Dream gives no indication, continuing to speak in that slow but meaningful drawl of his. ]

But not from your friend?

[ She glances up to the sight of the sky over the distant building tops, waiting for it to begin to lighten. It will be awhile yet. As if disappointed, Vanessa is quick to look back down, chin dropping low with her gaze. ]

I have always felt safe with him. I do still, but there has been the occasional moment, to blink and miss, when he has looked at me as though he sees someone else.

[ It's something so subtle that she can only wonder if she is going mad. ]

And in that fleeting moment, as I look back...so do I.

[ Nothing is more terrifying than that. ]

[ Dream stares forward as they walk, only occasionally glancing to her. ]

And who is it that you see, in these moments?

[ She shakes her head, to herself more than anyone. What she sees is something she can't recognize. ]

A stranger.

[ he lets that answer hanging in the air between them for a number of steps before speaking again, the incoming dawn making their path through the graveyard a little more visible ahead of them. ]

As you said, lady Vanessa, we all have our secrets. But there is something you are not saying.

[ That is...an understatement. She would accuse him of knowing far more about her than she does about him, but she was the one to even bring this up. There's little reason to be overly difficult on the matter, given what he has already witnessed, but it has been something she wanted so very much to keep separate from her time with him.

Impossible, as everything else is. ]

I suppose I would not know where to even begin, were I to say anything else.

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