[ It's so fucking much. A lot of history to bundle up in a few sentences, just so Gamora would—
—would what, exactly?
Forgive him? Maybe. Possibly. How nice would it be, to be forgiven for managing to do the fucking impossible, for wrenching his own heart out of its chest and tearing it apart as he pulled the fucking trigger. And how nice would it be, to be forgiven for failing at it? For having a hand in destroying half the universe?
How nice.
He doesn't think he deserves it, though.
And the weight of her tone, when she says his name. The heartbreak in it, the anger in it. Like she's desperate for a handhold as she reaches across an abyss.
He wants nothing more than to reach back, but— ]
Here's what happened.
[ He takes an unsteady breath, gaze darting to the displays of fruit beside them. When he finally speaks, the words are sharp and quick, like he's tearing off a bandage. ]
Thanos had you. And I pulled the trigger, and it was like ripping out my heart and stomping on it, but I did it. 'Cause I knew I had to, and I made you a promise. But obviously I didn't do it fast enough, and then he smiled like it was all a big joke, and he took you away. And I was so pissed that I failed, and I was angry at myself for being so relieved, too, 'cause at least you were still alive and that meant there was still a chance.
[ —it's like voiding a toxin, he thinks. And now that he's started, he can't quite stop. He reaches up with both hands to scrub at his eyes. ]
And then we went to Titan, and we had Thanos exactly where we wanted him, and I messed that up, too. He all but told us he killed you, and I snapped. 'Cause I had been holding out this hope, right? That you'd still be okay, that he wouldn't hurt you, and that I could rush in like a big hero and sweep you off your feet, and you'd be all, "It's okay you're such stupid mess, Peter. Now we can ride off into the sunset together." But then that chance was gone, and I didn't know how to handle it.
It's actually kinda funny, right? How it was, like, my fault he won? My fault twice. So it's probably for the best I got wiped out, so I couldn't screw things up a third time.
[ Let's hear it for the comedy rule of threes. ]
And then, Nebula and Rocket and some other folks figured out how the Infinity Stone bullshit worked. We all got brought back – except you, 'cause who the fuck knows why? Not me.I don't know how the stupid things worked. So instead of you, there was a complete stranger with your face that I wanted to be you. But she wasn't you, and she had no interest in being you, so she went off and did her own thing.
[ And it's here that he finally loses steam. He fumbles to a stop, clenching his teeth, before heaving out an explosive breath. ]
no subject
—would what, exactly?
Forgive him? Maybe. Possibly. How nice would it be, to be forgiven for managing to do the fucking impossible, for wrenching his own heart out of its chest and tearing it apart as he pulled the fucking trigger. And how nice would it be, to be forgiven for failing at it? For having a hand in destroying half the universe?
How nice.
He doesn't think he deserves it, though.
And the weight of her tone, when she says his name. The heartbreak in it, the anger in it. Like she's desperate for a handhold as she reaches across an abyss.
He wants nothing more than to reach back, but— ]
Here's what happened.
[ He takes an unsteady breath, gaze darting to the displays of fruit beside them. When he finally speaks, the words are sharp and quick, like he's tearing off a bandage. ]
Thanos had you. And I pulled the trigger, and it was like ripping out my heart and stomping on it, but I did it. 'Cause I knew I had to, and I made you a promise. But obviously I didn't do it fast enough, and then he smiled like it was all a big joke, and he took you away. And I was so pissed that I failed, and I was angry at myself for being so relieved, too, 'cause at least you were still alive and that meant there was still a chance.
[ —it's like voiding a toxin, he thinks. And now that he's started, he can't quite stop. He reaches up with both hands to scrub at his eyes. ]
And then we went to Titan, and we had Thanos exactly where we wanted him, and I messed that up, too. He all but told us he killed you, and I snapped. 'Cause I had been holding out this hope, right? That you'd still be okay, that he wouldn't hurt you, and that I could rush in like a big hero and sweep you off your feet, and you'd be all, "It's okay you're such stupid mess, Peter. Now we can ride off into the sunset together." But then that chance was gone, and I didn't know how to handle it.
It's actually kinda funny, right? How it was, like, my fault he won? My fault twice. So it's probably for the best I got wiped out, so I couldn't screw things up a third time.
[ Let's hear it for the comedy rule of threes. ]
And then, Nebula and Rocket and some other folks figured out how the Infinity Stone bullshit worked. We all got brought back – except you, 'cause who the fuck knows why? Not me. I don't know how the stupid things worked. So instead of you, there was a complete stranger with your face that I wanted to be you. But she wasn't you, and she had no interest in being you, so she went off and did her own thing.
[ And it's here that he finally loses steam. He fumbles to a stop, clenching his teeth, before heaving out an explosive breath. ]
So there. That's everything.