citylogs | [OPEN]

[Alhaitham continues to look. Actually, looking understates the attention of it. Every blink is slow and infrequent. His eyes are unmoving even as Kaveh leans in.

So Alhaitham breathes in. Kaveh's preference is jasmine. The scent is a staple in all his soaps and shampoos. It's contrasted by the smell of mint that sticks to his fingers, to his lips. It is a simple two flavors. It is infinitely more complex, mixing into a scent that makes up Kaveh. It is a scent Alhaitham knows coyly, one that he can only catch in wafts. That it was only close enough to taste once.

Kaveh leaning in was the mistake, because Alhaitham smells him. Alhaitham sees the curl of his lips, the curve of his neck. Alhaitham is hungry, and after Kaveh leans in the only thought that grips him is that he's close enough to devour.

His left arm moves first in a firm grip around Kaveh's waist. His right hand loops furhter up, gripping the fabric at the back of his dress to yank Kaveh into his lap. He remembers exactly where Midnight bit Kaveh. He remembers the shape of the bruise in perfect detail.

Alhaitham's jaw opens and locks teeth over the exact spot. The plastic is too dull--the force of his bite fails to break skin. There is no taste of blood on his tongue as it flattens to the flesh. But it isn't the bite that causes the bruising, is it?

It's the sharp suck.]

[ alhaitham looks. kaveh knows the exact moment when alhaitham ceases to merely look. it's in the shape of his body, you see, in the shift on the long, line of silverine mercury that makes up alhaitham's core. it always starts in the shift of his shoulders. kaveh, across the training field, facing off of the glint of alhaitham's sword. the way the veins of his neck shift just so to accommodate the bulk of muscle beneath, just as alhaitham moves faster than anyone thought him capable of. except kaveh. kaveh always knew. it's not the first time alhaitham has moved against him. but this is the first time where it matters.

kaveh's breath catches in his throat. he is dragged forward. his instinct is to push - two hands braced against alhaitham's shoulders as he slides into his lap, and those hands are paralysed with a sudden realisation that this is alhaitham. kaveh's hands falter. tat is kaveh's first and last mistake. alhaitham's mouth comes for him, and kaveh grits his teeth.

it lands, the bite. it's not the bite that causes the bruising. it's the suck that follows. the soft, high sound torn from kaveh's throat is punctuated by the digging of his bitten nails into the muscle of alhaitham's shoulders. there they are, shoulder-to-shoulder, chest-to-chest, alhaitham's hand a burning brand into the window of his backless dress, and kaveh thinks - ]

Alhaitham. [ kaveh says, the words beyond reproach. it's a demand, it's a call, but above all else, it's a plea. kaveh's hands bunch up into the wrinkled canvas of alhaitham's shirt. he is bent with the weight of it. ] Alhaitham, you-

[He remembers that sound. It had been the pressure of his thumb on the bruise that Midnight left. It had been the realization Kaveh would have made that same sound upon being bitten that had Alhaitham ask: did you want this? Did you want him?

It's what he wants to hear: done for him. The greed is unjustified. Kaveh is not his. Kaveh cannot simply be claimed. But if fills Alhaitham with a deep satisfaction that his mouth replaces Midnight's, that Kaveh will still cry that high, soft sound when it's him.

He is not himself right now. If he were himself, he would take these feelings and swallow them down. He would stand opposite, out of reach to Kaveh. But he carries battered defenses from his failed attempt to resist the city. He needed no compulsion to want to taste Kaveh.

Only to act on it.

Kaveh demands, calls, pleads. Alhaitham is dragged into it. The pressure under his mouth increases sharply. He only releases when he can't breathe, releasing Kaveh's neck with a ragged gasp and the drag of the tip of his tongue.] Kaveh.

[His lips seal to the mark in a kiss.]

[ between the act and the motion is the pain. kaveh's breath catches at it, on the hook of it, the way alhaitham's jaw bites down as if with the sole intent to rend him apart. alhaitham could, is the thing. kaveh's hands brace themselves against the bulk of alhaitham's shoulders. kaveh's hands are scarred. they are callused. they are far more at home with lumber and stone than they are with blankets and pillows. these are the hands that break hearts. kaveh only needs to wrap them around alhaitham's neck. he only needs to squeeze.

there had been a mall, is the thing. there had been a kaveh with an expression like the snezhnayan sea. it had been kaveh's hands around alhaitham's neck after all.

kaveh's hands falter. alhaitham releases him. kaveh's gasp is punctuated only by the press of lips to his neck. the tenderness of it breaks something in him. it has the quality much in the way of shattered glass. ]

Please. [ kaveh breathes, his breath choked, because alhaitham has just said his name, low and slow, and kaveh doesn't know what it means. ] Alhaitham, you are not yourself. This isn't you. Alhaitham!

[ but kaveh does not pull away. this is alhaitham. this is less of himself, but it doesn't matter, does it? kaveh had been the first to walk away, once. this time, kaveh stays. his arms wrap themselves around the mercury lines of alhaitham's back. kaveh pulls him in. ] Alhaitham, please.

[You are not yourself. He is not in control of himself. He is dripping parts he shouldn't be.

There is a shudder as he breathes in, a grip for control. Kaveh puts it into words. Alhaitham knows that what Kaveh means doesn't match what Alhaitham's does. He expects in the space of the moment he doesn't act that Kaveh will. Kaveh will pull away.

But Kaveh pulls him in. Kaveh's arms wrap around him. Alhaitham breathes out. His grip eases, fingers unraveling from the fabric they're wrinkled to lay flat against Kaveh.

Alhaitham breathes in. Kaveh's neck smells like jasmine and mint. He knows where he is. He knows what he's done.]

... Are you going to pretend this didn't happen as well?

[Like the kiss. Like half-bitten words in the mall.]

[ kaveh feels it, is the thing. he feels it, the bunched muscles of alhaitham's back. he feels it, the way alhaitham draws in upon himself to assert control. because, kaveh thinks, fierce in his terror and rage - who are they to impose this on alhaitham? who are they to make them do as they did not wish? kaveh's hold on alhaitham is oak. kaveh's grip is stone. he holds him there as alhaitham begins to breathe.

slowly, alhaitham's fingers unravel. slowly, alhaitham breathes in. kaveh feels it, that puff of breath, the warmth of it against the low cut of his dress. relief floods him. kaveh's eyes close.

- and sucks in a wounded breath. ]

... what?

[ there had been a mall. there had been a greenhouse. kaveh's arms tremble. ]

You seem of sound mind this whole time, so I don't need to repeat myself. [It would only be the same question. It will echo in Kaveh all the same.

Alhaitham's head tilts, cheek brushing close to Kaveh's shoulder so he can look at the corner of Kaveh's eyes. It's expectant, but it isn't a straight answer Alhaitham expects. It will be one he has to shift out of the reaction.]

And were you? [ kaveh's breath seethes. he looks. his elbows shift. kaveh's fingers rest upon the slopes of alhaitham's shoulders. ]

Were you sound of mind? What was that bite? You - it was- [ right where midnight had bitten him, once, ] you aimed it. Were you pretending?

Alhaitham, I was frightened.

[He aimed it. Alhaitham can't even blame that completely on the city's will being pressed upon him. He had chosen the spot Midnight bit. He had covered it with his own.

Kaveh was frightened. Kaveh asked a question. It's always a question for a question.] Were frightened, or are?

[Was he afraid this city had turned Alhaitham into something not himself? Or is he afraid that Alhaitham meant it all along?]

[ kaveh looks. there terror of it sinks in. alhaitham has never needed to qualify his questions. he only ever needed to ask. it was the way of things, that kaveh always understood. now, kaveh wishes he didn't. was, or are. a mere shifting of tenses. two questions in parallel, and kaveh -

he sits there in alhaitham's lap. he sits there, and looks. ]

Only one of those, [ kaveh says, after a beat, after a drawn breath as sharp as a keen knife's edge, ] is forgivable, Alhaitham. But perhaps that doesn't matter to you.

Alhaitham, do you still think about that kiss?

[They're standing at a fork. Kaveh's a lit fuse. Alhaitham could let it burn or snuff it out. One of these options will rend their relationship irrepairably.

For once, Alhaitham doesn't know which one it is. It is rare for him to be caught in uncertainty. It figures it would be Kaveh that does it. Kaveh who sits warm in his lap.

Kaveh, whose lips he still remembers the taste of.]

Yes.

[ kaveh's breath catches. it catches itself in its hold. it strangles in on itself. cyno had been there, steeped with guilt. midnight had been there, bright with conviction. and kaveh - he had leaned down, and he had cried.

kaveh opens his mouth. he can't look at alhaitham, because he is not looking at alhaitham. when he looks, alhaitham is there, obscene in his youth, a knife at his throat and whispered words on his tongue. when he looks, alhaitham is there, neck indented by fingers long and callused, strangled into a hold. when he looks, alhaitham is there, laying in the grass, his body motionless.

alhaitham, alhaitham, alhaitham.

kaveh says, with all the grief and the sorrow like a washing tide: ]

It didn't please me to choose between bitter and bitter.

[ because it had always been so: that kaveh envied those who could. because kaveh wanted a choice, a real choice. a choice that wasn't between bad or worse, or bitter and bitter. a choice that could grow with him. a choice that could flourish. a choice that wasn't between the death of his dream or the death of his livelihood. a choice that wasn't between the death of his father or the death of his mother. a choice that wasn't between the death of alhaitham and -

a mistake.

in a voice as small as the receding tide: ]

Don't lie to me, Alhaitham. You know better. Or I thought you did.

[It's within his expectations. That Kaveh didn't enjoy the kiss. That Kaveh only did it out of the coercion of this place. It's within his expectations that the slightest verbalizing of his feelings, not even quite love, would be harshly rejected.

Once again, Kaveh doesn't want it from him. Once again, he doesn't choose Alhaitham. Once again, he twists it into something worse so he never has to face what's between them.

Kaveh would make them strangers if he could. If it wasn't so impossible to erase those years of history.

Alhaitham exhales. His eyes slip closed. Slowly, like a beast rising from slumber, he draws his arms back. Grabs Kaveh's firmly in order to remove them from his shoulders. Pushes Kaveh steadily off his lap under the stagger of heel against tile lets him know Kaveh has his feet under him again.

Only then does Alhaitham stand up. He looks at Kaveh, expression pinched between such discordant emotions that it's unreadable.]

And I thought you knew me better than that.

[He could have lied: it would have been the no.

He releases Kaveh and turns, wordless, to head for the door.]

[ it had been a mistake after all.

perhaps that's the shape of it, kaveh's existence. each mistake builds on another to form a chain of events that, when put together, creates a pattern. kaveh chooses. the world takes it and warps it beyond its worth. his father had asked him if he would like him to participate in the interdarshan competition. kaveh chose yes, because choosing no would be tantamount to losing faith in his father, and what child would do so? his mother had asked him if she should stay. kaveh chose no, because choosing yes would be tantamount to holding back the life of his mother. the withering took the palace and warped it beyond recognition. kaveh chose to rebuild it, because his dream had only one chance to live. alhaitham sits in the library of daena.

i regret you, kaveh had said.

kaveh moves. he moves because that is not all that he remembers. alhaitham had pushed him from his lap. he had waited until kaveh stood, with both feet on the tile, before he walked away. kaveh reaches for alhaitham's wrist. ]

Alhaitham!

[Alhaitham stops.

The moment is discordant enough that he loses seconds. He blinks rapidly at the door. Kaveh's hand is gripping his wrist, but that isn't Kaveh and Alhaitham.

They would fail to reach synthesis. They would fall apart. Alhaitham would leave before his words could hit the weak point in Kaveh's form again. Alhaitham leaves so that the leave is never permanent. So that it's never years between them again. Kaveh is left behind.

Kaveh lets himself be left behind. It has always been that since that day in the tavern: that Alhaitham always chases, and Kaveh never does.

His fingers curl into his palms. He doesn't turn around.] What? You don't actually want to talk about this.

[ kaveh's hand curls around alhaitham's wrist. it burns, is the thing. kaveh has always run cool. it's alhaitham who runs at a temperature slightly closer to burning, who is like a heartflame in hand. kaveh had discovered this when he had reached for alhaitham's hand to pull towards some distant apparition, a stall or a class or a subject, kaveh isn't certain anymore, but had found himself lingering at it. had looked at his hand in the aftermath in the night, had flexed it for certainty. kaveh still remembers it now. it's against the pads of his fingers; it is a single loop of warmth that ties them both.

funny, how fragile that string is.

it had been kaveh who flitted to the warmth. it had been alhaitham who chased after the storm. and now - they've come to their beginnings, kaveh thinks, as he grips alhaitham's wrist with the hands meant for wresting dreams into reality where dreams go to die - and refuses to let go. ]

What else is there to say! [ kaveh says, and then - ] And that isn't a rhetorical question, that is an invitation. What is there to say about this, Alhaitham. What am I missing?

[ the question unasked: what happened to us, alhaitham? what have i done to us? ]

[Kaveh's fingers dig. If Alhaitham tried he could pry Kaveh off. It would be a fight. It would tear them in two again.

Alhaitham turns. It's only enough to look over his shoulder.] So you get to demand answers but mine are always more questions? You really don't think there's anything from these past few weeks to talk about?

[ kaveh bares his teeth. ]

Don't start. Who deflects my questions with his own? You, Alhaitham. It has always been you. What exactly have you answered ever since we arrived at this city?

Sure, it's always me. [He doesn't roll his eyes, but his tone carries the bite in its stead.

He turns in full, pulling on his arm to force Kaveh to either let go or stagger closer in his space.] You want to start from the beginning, every question I apparently haven't answered since we arrived here? Why stop there, you might as well include every one that wasn't answered to your satisfaction in Sumeru, too.

You don't think there's anything else to say, so what's the question you're really trying to ask?

Then we won't stop there. We will go back to the questions that weren't answered in Sumeru - why, did you think I've forgotten them? The unfinished arguments, the unanswered questions, the bulletin boards and the research papers? Do your think I've forgotten what you wrote in Deshret's script which you left for me? Do you think I've forgotten Sachin?

[ kaveh draws in his breath. ] Do you think I've forgotten that not once have you ever told me why you offered your house to me that day at the Tavern? Alhaitham, what is there to say? I remember the questions, and I don't recall the answers - so who here doesn't think there is anything to say?

[Kaveh spins it at a clip. Alhaitham traces every question to it's final conclusion. It's the answer he won't give directly. It's an answer they can't walk back from.

Alhaitham thinks, he will lose Kaveh when it is rejected. He will lose Kaveh from his fear and guilt.]

... You won't understand any answer I can give you. The fact that you can't answer it yourself after everything is proof enough.

[Because all of those distill to the same thing. They are the same answer, etched again and again in his actions.]

Oh, now it's me.

[ the word truncates between kaveh's pressed teeth. ] You speak like the Herbads in the Akademiya, the ones that take the juniors of their classes and segregate them into strata. These ones are the best because they can guess at what I'm thinking - these ones are the failures for merely following their own train of thought. You never ascribed to that school of thinking, Alhaitham. If you did, you wouldn't be the colossal headache that you are today.

How am I to come to the answer if I don't know what the question is? [ it comes with a roar. kaveh realises - it's the sound of his own blood, rushing. kaveh asks, into the din: ] Alhaitham, what is the question I am not answering?

I'm just reminding the Light of Kshahrewar that he's supposedly a genius yet he can't decipher an easy problem when everything is right in front of him.

[Alhaitham takes one step forward. His gaze sits on Kaveh with tense admonishment.] It's the question you ask yourself after every one of those: why do I do this for you?

[Why did he let him live here. Why does he pay his tab. Why did he look into Sachin. Why is he angry at Midnight. The question is why, why, why.]

Is that the official stance of the Lunatic of the Akademiya? [ says kaveh, with bitter and bittermost cloying at the back of his throat, ] At least I never asked to be called a genius. Instead, I find myself asking the most basic of basic questions because you have the most baffling thought process known to mankind. Logical? Rational? Nobody understands you. You never do anything that doesn't benefit you, and what you consider a benefit is based on an incomprehensible rubric that you've never cared to share.

[ kaveh meets alhaitham halfway. he steps into alhaitham's space. he raises their joined limbs - hand to wrist. he is furious. ] Why do you do this for me? Why did you bite me, and then walk away? At least Midnight's excuse was him being a vampire! Why, Alhaitham. Or are you going to answer that question again with another question? Because that seems to be all you know how to say.

And yet you still know me better than anyone else. [What does that say that even Kaveh writes him off an unintelligible? Alhaitham is sure the answer is that Kaveh doesn't want to know.

He breathes out. He focuses on the easier question.] I told you one of the symptoms I'm experiencing is aggression. You got too close. I did what vampires do.

[A lie of omission. Because he would have done it if he waz more himself, if he thought he could. Because targeting the spot Midnight did was his own feelings.]

Edited 2023-10-22 11:25 (UTC)

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