citylogs | [OPEN]

For now.

[ kaveh says, perhaps a little tersely, perhaps a little darkly. he moves to tsuruno with a sigh. ] I ought to unwrap your bandages and remove the ice. It must've melted by now. Would you allow me to do that, Tsuruno?

I think even if I said no, you'd do it, right?

[ wryly. ]

[ finally: the little shattered dawn of a wry lilt. kaveh snorts, inelegant. ]

I would. But I'm trying to be nice, since Tighnari is watching. Here, sit with me.

It's fine, I'm not going to tell on you... [ She'll listen, as always. For the most part, she's an obedient kid.

Well, though, Kaveh's seen her dig her heels in too by now. ]

Tighnari has ears that can hear a wrong-doer from across a rainforest. It wouldn't be a matter of you telling. [ says kaveh, very reasonably, as he settles in next to tsuruno.

he starts by tapping her on the shoulder so that he can once again see her back. ]

Right, right... [ And she turns to put her back to him, once again carefully gathering up her ponytail to drape over the front.

As he'd predicted, the ice has definitely melted. It probably doesn't help that Tsuruno naturally runs warm, either. ]

[ like a little furnace, kaveh thinks, as he carefully peels back the bandages. he begins undoing the knot he'd put in place that kept the entire make-shift ice-pack where it was. it likely didn't do much in keeping the swelling down, without something keeping it cool - but kaveh needs to believe that it was enough for the moment.

the colour of the bruising is stark in the lighting. it had been terrible before. it is still terrible now. ]

[ And she is still doing just fine, gosh Kaveh. ]

Don't make any kind of upset face, okay? I'm fine.

[ Just in case he's making faces. ]

[ kaveh makes a face. ]

In time, it will be fine.

I'm a fast healer. [ Well, normally. Not so much here, right now, but you know, he doesn't need to know that. And she'll choose to believe she'll heal quickly this time too. ]

Does that include both the pain and the memories of the pain?

Did you know? Pain is one of the things you forget the fastest.

[Alhaitham isn't saying anything but he's literally Right Over Here and he looks over when he hears that.]

[ Good thing she's not noticing this, she's just facing forward and down to let Kaveh fuss with her back! ]

[ kaveh's fingers still. ]

Do you truly believe that?

I think it depends on the pain. [ Calmly, like she hadn't been a crying wreck earlier. Maybe she's aware there's someone here she's only just met. ]

But like you said, it'll be fine.

[ slowly, deliberately: ]

You misconstrue my words, if you think what I'd meant was forgetting the pain.

[ She closes her eyes briefly. Takes a breath. ]

I'm going to forget that it hurt to be thrown into a wall, yeah.

If you have to ask me if I'm going to forget trying to kill someone I care about anytime soon, I haven't forgotten a single case of that. Is that what you want to hear from me?

[ the sharp intake of breath. it seethes between kaveh's teeth. kaveh's grip on tsuruno's shoulder tightens. then, he removes the bandages. he lets them fall, soaked makeshift ice-packs as he fights the urge to stand. tighnari is there, alhaitham is there - but tsuruno is here, and there's a fury welling in kaveh that can't quite be contained.

he says, ]

Is that what you think I would want to hear from you? Do you think as poorly of me as you do yourself? I will remember the pain of your being flung into the wall. I will remember this moment for the pain that you have received while trying to protect a life that I value. Your life, Tsuruno. That is your pain.

What I don't want is for you to use the pain of the people who love you to hurt yourself with. That pain isn't yours.

[ There's a lot she could say to that. There's a lot she wants to say to that.

But Tsuruno is close to her limit in more ways than she wants to be (she never wants to be close to any limit), and after everything, after this, there's something in her that shuts down. Her eyes remain fixed in front of her but there's a soft shaky breath and then nothing else. Absolute silence. She's clearly heard him, from the way her shoulders tremble, fighting against the urge to curl defensively or to bristle.

She can't tell him she doesn't think poorly of him. She can't tell him she doesn't want to use anyone else's pain to hurt herself. She can't tell him that no matter what he tells her, every heartbeat tells her louder, that this is her fault. And she especially can't tell him that it's nothing worth worrying about, not when it comes to her.

In the end, she'll always place everything and everyone else first because to her, that is necessity. ]

[ kaveh shouldn't have said that.

the exhaustion and frustration is a weary pall. it is poor judgment, but since when has kaveh's judgment ever been solid? tsuruno's silence is that of a well in winter. you couldn't hear the drop of the rock within because the water has long since frozen over. there was something in the depth that the ice encased. it protected it with the might of a dream still-waiting for the night to pass. but kaveh knows better than to think that the dream is awaiting spring.

there had been a young lady who entrusted to him a secret. it had been a secret about the state of her soul. negativity is poison; it bleeds literal for tsuruno, who puts on a facade. tighnari and alhaitham are at the periphery of his vision, and kaveh thinks - he can't. he will not. tsuruno's back is a small and fragile thing. she shakes with it. she is trembling. kaveh did that. he has done enough damage for the day.

what kaveh does not say: that tsuruno does not get to use the memories of those who love her to hurt herself. what kaveh does not say: that tsuruno does not get to keep the blame and forget the forgiveness. what kaveh does not say: that he is selfish in saying so.

instead, what he says is this: ]

I've said it poorly. [ kaveh leans down. he presses a kiss to the crown of her head. he says, in a voice like a trembling whisper: ] This is a wish, Tsuruno. The nature of wishes is that they take on the form of a prayer. Tsuruno, I pray that you will be kind and gentle to yourself. I love you. I'm sorry. Forgive me.

[ kaveh breathes in. he lets the bandage coil by the bench. kaveh unfurls. he squeezes tsuruno's wrist, just once, and lets go. ]

[ The kindness hurts more, truthfully. Because she's aware she's brittle right now. She shouldn't have snapped at him. She shouldn't have tried to withdraw, because of course that would have only worried him more, but maintaining cheerfulness out of habit wasn't the right choice either.

For once, she's at a loss for how to feel, how to react, what to show. She doesn't know Tighnari. She does trust Alhaitham and Kaveh, but Kaveh is furious with his friend, worried about him, worried about her and Alhaitham is enduring far more than he should, and she thinks he's also brittle at the moment. He hasn't broken and she doubts he'll do it here, if anywhere, but she can all but see the cracks present.

The nature of wishes, she thinks, is that they take on the form of a prayer but to answer them is to risk taking on a curse.

She knows that. Most Magical Girls who had been so long enough knew that. But she answers him before Kyubey can. ]

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... say it like that, either. I know you're just worried about me. Just... letting that happen, is something I shouldn't do, I'm supposed to be better than this...

[ Her eyes burn. Again. ]

[ tsuruno's eyes burn, again, much in the way of unshed tears. pyro, kaveh thinks - that was her element. pyro of the passion and the gladdened heart, pyro of the dancing flame and inquisitive spirit. pyro, reduced to ash between kaveh's hands because kaveh didn't know when to shut up. he can feel it in his peripheral, the weight of alhaitham's presence and the discerning glint of tighnari's. kaveh shouldn't have said anything, but if kaveh only ever did things according to logic and not emotion, then he wouldn't be kaveh anymore in this conversation.

and tsuruno - wouldn't be tsuruno if she didn't see a flaw in herself that nobody could or would ever blame her for. ]

In what way? Said by whom? [ kaveh says. ] Who shall I have to break in half for fooling the best of us here into thinking she is somehow lesser? [ unthinkingly, kaveh presses another kiss to tsuruno's head. ] Don't be better. Be kind. Please.

[ It's her, he'll have to break Tsuruno herself in half for it, but she won't say that, only releases a breath that's as close to a sob as she'll allow it to be in this time, in this place, with these people.

When was the last time she felt this bone-tired, like a wrung-out cloth? Shuddering in Yachiyo's arms, the others clustered around them, telling her it was fine to not be fine. ]

... I'll try.

[ It's all she can promise him. ]

[ kaveh looks. his hand draws itself gently through tsuruno's hair. ]

... thank you.

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