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[ there's a humanity in daan that has not been quashed. kaveh knows how easily it is to lose that strand of it. the diadem had been shattered on the forest floor. kaveh had done so so that nobody would ever make that mistake ever again. but sachin had been the first to lose his mind, and he had done so because he had wanted to see just a shred of goodness in a world that had so very little in it.

kaveh breathes out. he opens his eyes. ]

I am glad for it. This one thing. That despite what you went through, they held no claim on your heart. That you can be true to it.

[ kaveh continues, quiet and sure: ] I am glad, too, that you allow yourself to love despite it. You truly are made of more love than that Goddess ever is.

It's a balance, to be cynical but also not quite giving up on people whose lives they cannot control. I like to think I've found that for the kind of place I'm from.

[There's a pause, and he isn't sure how to respond to that line again. Being made of more love than Sylvian... like that's hard.

But he knows what Kaveh means by it.

Daan opens his eye.]

I've loved more than once by now. Not to claim that I'd ever been loved, until I got here. Bit hazy on that particular subject. But I've always struggled to ignore the plights of people who couldn't control their situation.

It's something I know too well.

A bit hazy.

[ the weary amusement, but there's a glint of it here. ] Certainly you can begin recognising it now, right? The shape of love, the presence of it, the fact that it's directed towards you.

Isn't it strange, to have it be reciprocated?

...It is. Before I talked to Vergilius and told him, all I could think of were reasons he shouldn't love me.

[Daan rubs the bridge of his nose.

He thinks, once again, how Marcoh asked him why his username was "loveless." And the answer he could not give the man.]

Which should be fucked up, because I was married once. I loved once.

[But he isn't sure that he'd ever been loved.]

[ reasons he shouldn't love me, daan says. kaveh thinks -

... it lodges, somewhere in his chest, like an arrowhead or a thin spider's strand, one that perforates and draws blood as if a three-millimeter spout. ]

But you did not say you were loved, once. [ says kaveh, because he has lived with a haravatat for half his life, and the haravatat understands words, and what their absence means. ] ... were you afraid, that he would be making a mistake? Vergilius, that is. In loving you.

[Leave it to Kaveh to pick apart and find the piece of information that Daan did explicitly leave out.]

I don't know if I was or not. The more I think about it, the more I realize that maybe it was... I don't know. [Daan shakes his head.] I might never know for sure, if my marriage was just a sham or not. But my love was genuine. It still is, in some ways.

I guess... I thought to myself that if my parents couldn't love me, if my wife didn't love me, then there's got to be something fundamentally wrong with me. And sure, I have a lot of flaws. Who the fuck doesn't? I was sure that... if I told him about my worst parts, he'd leave me alone. He'd hate me, because that's all I could see.

[Pet. Filth. Puppet. Plaything. Degenerate. Fraud. Put on a new mask, another, and another.]

It wasn't a clean confession, as you can see. I tried to make him see the worst I had to offer, but all he gave me was his compassion. There's a part of me that still isn't sure I really deserve that, but I'm holding onto it.

You would know. [ kaveh says, firmly, with the truth of the world on his lips, ] If you were loved, you would know.

[ it goes a little like this - the hypothesis:

the counterpoint:

a socratic dialogue in tandem. kaveh does it with the still-brimming shadow of alhaitham in the back of his mind. he says, aloud: ]

You are remarkable, Daan.

I have a hypothesis. My hypothesis has always been that the love that a child experiences first in their life is the love that sets. If the nature of that love is unreliable, then so does the child learn that the nature of love is to be unreliable. But here you are, presenting a counterpoint with your entire being. Despite not having been loved, you love as if you have always known it.

[ kaveh looks. ] Here is another perspective: despite all that you went through, there has to be something fundamentally right about you, for being able to love.

[Would he know? But, wasn't Elise affectionate sometimes? Wrote him letters while he was away to war, and her picture brought him comfort. Perhaps, in her way, it was affection, but ... perhaps that also wasn't necessary love, the way Daan loved her anyway.

Because he does feel starkly different with Vergilius, who despite his own horrific life, is able to express it. And there's never any confusion, even in their own brand of a love language. Be it taking verbal shots at each other, or poetry.

Daan blinks a few times in secession; one day, he wants to bury Elise figuratively. Is it through condemning everything, or is it simply letting go?]

...Remarkable, huh.

[Funny. He doesn't feel very remarkable. Or right about anything. But if he was a complete lost cause, nobody would bother with him. Certainly not people from that dreaded City.]

These almost sounds like compliments. Are you feeling all right?

[quickly, he has to be flippant and cover everything by being a smartass]

[ the look kaveh gives daan over his red-rimmed eyes is terribly wry. ]

Of course I'm not alright. [ says kaveh, who can still feel it - the sorrow and the fury both. ] I am furious.

[ because in no world should anyone have to endure the abandonment and the loneliness and the terror and the self-loathing. and in no world should daan have come from that experience choosing kindness above all else. it's not merely remarkable, kaveh thinks - it is, in fact, a miracle.

this, kaveh doesn't say. instead: ]

Furious, and glad at all once, for your past circumstances, and for what you've been able to let yourself love despite it. You've given me emotional whiplash in the worst possible way. Accept the compliments, or I will say them again.

Emotional whiplash, huh. That sounds like something I'd do to someone all right.

[The doctor's voice is wry, but soft enough that he doesn't aim to tease any further. For all that Kaveh gives him hell, he does respect that the other man speaks his mind. Not enough people do, Daan thinks.

A person who chronically cannot stop caring or fussing, either. Daan is probably not different, he just has a different method to it. Funny, that.]

Well, I suppose I've no choice but to take them, then. Fine.

Good.

[ says kaveh, who means it. ] That does remind me - when are you planning on changing your display name? It's a bit inaccurate now, isn't it?

...I thought about that, but honestly, I'm not even sure how to change it. Or... what to change it to.

Not that I'm taking any ideas from you.

Oh, you didn't want to flip it around, and call yourself 'Beloved'?

Absolutely not.

What a shame. It would've been something like a renaissance. [ a glint of a grin. still, kaveh sobers. ] Still, I'd recommend thinking of it sooner than later. I can only imagine what someone who loves you would feel observing you calling yourself that, and on a regular basis.

...I know.

[Daan gives kind of a helpless shrug.] I have no idea how to change it. Phones like these don't exist where I'm from, but I suppose Tsuruno probably knows.

[ daan mentions tsuruno. kaveh brightens. ]

If anyone would know, it would be her. You'll be in good hands. Ah, and you'll have her to look out for you as well. Suddenly, I'm a little less worried than before.

[ the path wends. kaveh takes them down a side-alley. the bank looms, sunlight glancing off of low, rectangular windows, faux-marble displays and the sheen of something with a plastic shell. at the intersection, kaveh stops. he gestures to the right. ]

Here we are. There are few apartment buildings, but everything in between are just retail stores that can be emptied out and renovated. How many rooms do you think your clinic will need?

She and I are pretty close. Trust me, she does everything she can, even for me.

[There is a distinct fondness in Daan's voice. She is the closest thing he's ever had to family, and he couldn't be gladder for it.

The bank earns a side-eyed glance, but little else. Instead, he remains at Kaveh's side, considering his question.]

Maybe two or three examination rooms, office, waiting room -- ideally there'd be storage for equipment in the future, too. Five or six rooms? That's about the size of the clinic I used to work at.

She seems to be incapable of leaving hopeless cases alone, yes. [ wry, ] But she needs to be careful as well. She does more than she ought to, at times.

[ but, kaveh thinks, this is good to know. tsuruno is reliable and unlikely to endorse daan's more self-destructive tendencies. but there's also the other way around. tsuruno needs eyes on her as well. kaveh worries.

still, the task at hand has him considering a few of the storefronts nearby. ]

Are there any water, plumbing or electrical requirements? The rooms I can easily partition out of the existing storefronts - it's just the time it will take the source lumber and nails, and to wait until enough plaster reappears in the stores. Rewiring the space isn't an issue, either. But I don't know much about the running of a clinic - is there a need for higher water pressure than usual, or any particular lighting arrangement?

Oh, I'm aware. I know how it sounds from me, but she certainly pushes herself harder than necessary, but... I guess she and I are learning to not test those limits so much. Hopefully she's adhering to my advice for her ribs.

[But yes: the clinic. Daan considers, then closes his eye.]

No more water pressure than a hose, I imagine. I'm hoping I won't have to wash away blood often, but you never know in this damned place. Lighting doesn't have to be anything special because if I'm doing surgery I'm going to get a lamp anyway to make sure I have as much lighting as possible.

I don't expect a lot of equipment right now. Not unless a hospital opens up in our range anytime soon. ...Which I know I'm gonna have no choice but to get into, even if it means a world of trouble for me.

[ tsuruno's ribs.

kaveh closes his eyes. he opens them. ] You, and a select rest of us. [ kaveh says, firmly. ] How much equipment or medical supplies could you salvage out on your own? Many hands make light work, and if the city turns several individuals in the group violent, the others in the group can subdue them.

If nothing else, I doubt Vergilius will let you go in alone, will he.

...Right.

[Daan has to remember. He doesn't have to do it alone. Even people he doesn't know would be content to help him, probably.]

Yeah, no. He wouldn't, I'm sure. [He clears his throat and admits:] The man was patrolling the apartments I was staying at, because he was worried about me. I'd be surprised if I could do grocery shopping without him.

[But for all Daan says that, he doesn't mind. Not really.]

Ah, so that's why he's at your apartment today. Could you blame the man? He had to see your arm the way it was. If I were him, I'd contrive all kinds of ways to sit on you until I was sure this wasn't going to happen again.

[ kaveh considers this, ] About that - do you want me to knock down a wall in your apartment and expand the size of your room? It seems as if it's a bit cramped for two men to share.

He might as well. Don't get me wrong, I don't blame him. ...But I'm not sorry, either.

[Ugh. Daan rubs the bridge of his nose, but it doesn't exactly stop part of a blush growing on his pale face. While he bears no guilt for attempting to revive Vergilius, Daan isn't certain if he's ready to share that technically the Fixer has moved in with him.

So he doesn't!]

Mm, maybe. Let me keep it in mind, but if I feel like we need to expand I'll let you know.

[ kaveh, who considers the question answered with the agreed potential for an expansion, merely marks down in his mindmap of another potential project in that regard. he does have to figure out if anyone lives next door. perhaps that's something to do later. ]

Fair enough. Then, shall we do a walk-through? If you're thinking about a location around these parts, I'd recommend starting with that building over there. [ kaveh points. a small clothing boutique is nestled in the same block as a convenience store. ] Clothing stores are plentiful around these parts, so it wouldn't be a loss if we converted it into a clinic and got rid of all the stock. There are also little dressing rooms that can serve as changing rooms for your patients.

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