citylogs | [ open ] kaveh's permanent catch-all

Ah, it's left an impression on you, too, I see. [ with a humourless lilt. ]

I've returned a few times. The bank doesn't seem to serve any particular function now, though new items and keys keep appearing in the vault regardless. It's a great source of metal, tiles and coppering wiring, however. I've stripped a lot of the backrooms of it because of just how was needed for renovations for the past few months.

...It left an impression on everyone. I'm not special in that regard.

[It's an evasive answer. He knows that. But then, it's not like Kaveh really asked for more, too.]

Hm. Well, if nothing else, I'm glad that you're getting some good supplies off of it. You're pretty good at picking useful materials, aren't you? I knew an engineer once who was kind of similar.

The buildings that have harmed people are the ones that I've been dismantling and scrounging first. For your central clinic, for example, I'll pull the tiles from the bank flooring, and I'll fashion metal shelves from the clothing racks at the mall. If they made such an impact, then surely they can be reused and recycled into something that will actually help the residents here.

[ in a way, kaveh understands - pain cannot be erased, or forgotten. it can only be sublimated. 'i'm not special in that regard', daan says - kaveh thinks back to a question he had asked earlier, one that was born from frustration: 'what was it that someone did to you that made you think of yourself so little'?

he considers this. ] What manner of engineer?

Hmm. You know, I'm a little surprised that our overseers -- or whatever they are -- haven't gotten pissy that you're vandalizing their buildings. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that's the case, and it does make some kind of sense to reuse the places that have caused us so much trouble.

[Daan shrugs and looks out into the distance.] I'm not entirely sure. But she knew how to fix a train. Knew how to put together traps, and make weapons out of whatever we found. Abella was tougher than most people I'd ever met, but had a heart of gold, that one. I figure as long as she recognized the technology, she could probably figure it out easily.

Assuming nothing otherworldly was going on, in any case.

I thought the same. But after repeated testing, it seems that dismantling the buildings for the purpose of building another seems to be alright. Our current theory is that intentionality and ethics matter in whatever odd matrix they're using to grade individual actions. For example, when I took the hinges off someone's door for the purpose of keeping them, I was handcuffed - but when I took hinges off someone's door for the purpose of reusing them, I woke up fine.

[ fixing a train, kaveh thinks. they could use that talent here. immediately, he feels guilty for thinking so. nobody ought to be drawn here, of all places, simply because they could use their talents. ]

She seems like someone with strength to her. I'd love to have met her, but under different circumstances. By otherworldly, do you mean the gods?

Hmm. Interesting that they can determine that sort of thing out of intent, then. But then, I suppose that's why I was able to get away with that ritual circle. It wasn't for the express purpose of vandalization, after all. Or harm.

[And he was able to get away with the one he's made in his apartment, as well.]

She probably would've enjoyed meeting you, too.

[Daan nods.] The train she and I were riding on with other passengers suddenly stopped working on our way to a town. She didn't see anything actually wrong with the train. I suppose someone could argue that maybe she just missed something, but... well, that didn't add up considering her other skills. That, and the circumstances we were in. So, the train was likely impacted by an effect by one of the gods there.

They can invoke our past memories at will. I'm not surprised that they have a pipeline into intentions, though I couldn't begin to tell you how they manage to do so. We had a system that would have been capable of it back in Sumeru, but that at least involved wearing a terminal. There's nothing like that here, so how?

[ kaveh thinks, however - how desperate that engineer must have been. to have all the pieces at her disposal, and still not be able to have it work beneath her fingers. kaveh can empathise. ]

That reminds me - your gods. They have a very skewed way of viewing 'help', don't they.

It's why I wonder if maybe we're dealing with more supernatural shit. But then... I have no idea. It's just the thing I'm personally most used to, so it's easier to comprehend.

[Daan lets out a long sigh before he gives a nod.]

Most of them, yeah. I really only have affinity with two of them, but frankly that's two too many in my opinion.

I'd prefer if I didn't have any at all, if I had a choice. But I don't, and here I am.

[He hesitates, then he offers:] If you want to ask about them, I'll answer you honestly. I know people get curious, and that's fine, I suppose.

[ kaveh considers this. ]

Well, my curiosity stems from two places, really. I am a child of Sumeru; our vice has always been that we let our curiosity lead us. It follows that I have a scholarly interest in your gods. What are they? Do you converse with them? Why is it that they have so little understanding of human pain? And then the second place from which my curiosity stems comes from how they may be able to aid the people here.

But consider this question first, if you may: how did you become involved with your gods in the first place? What robbed you of your choice?

[As they walk, Daan is quiet for a moment, turning the questions over in his mind. Particularly, the last one. Notably, his shoulders stiffen, but his face is impassive. Habitually, making his expression indifferent, bland, like it doesn't bother him.

Eventually, he does answer.]

My parents.

Sylvian is an old god. Not that popular anymore, but her power is still unquestionable. She also still has her followers. When I was born, my parents couldn't decide what my name was -- one called me Daan, the other call me Daniël, so really it's anyone's guess what my real name is supposed to be.

Either way, they gave more of a shit about communing with Sylvian. Goddess of Love, Lust, and Fertility. They'd leave me in the field to go join with their fellow cultists. Until they decided I was old enough to join in... communion, anyway.

[With Vergilius, he'd been brutally honest about the truth. The City of Vergilius' world is filled with horrors that, alas, Daan related to. Sharing the truth to bridge the idea that Daan knew what one would do for the sake of survival. For he, too, has done unspeakable things to survive, things he learned from the Cult of Sylvian.

With Kaveh, it is much, much more vague. To spare him, who has seen more than he already should have.]

Edited (dfskhdsf adding more warnings, funger is... like that) 2023-11-10 05:54 (UTC)

[ daan's words unfold. kaveh is listening for more than just words. it's trite to say that one can listen with the eyes, but communication is part words, part the language of the body. kaveh, who has lived with the foremost haravatat scholar and a man who communicates solely through the lines of his body, looks. the stiffening of his shoulders, the careful, impassive set of daan's face.

kaveh draws in breath. he looks. ]

They left you in a field, as a child. They were your parents. [ kaveh says, softly. ] You never had a choice in this, did you.

No. I didn't.

One day, my parents stopped coming for me. Maybe they left me after I kept trying to reject Sylvian's healing gift, maybe they got... lost in communion, as that is possible. So, at thirteen, I tried to figure out how to defend myself. How to survive the alleyways and gutters of Rondon.

[Daan holds out his hand, and runes appear around him, mixed with the sound of a woman's gasp faint in the air. The nice thing at least is that, this time, is that he merely feels love. Love the way his friends make him feel. Tsuruno, Heine, Miu, and many others.

The way Vergilius makes him feel.]

You achieve certain things by having an... affinity with a god. With Sylvian, well. There are a few ways. ...But one method just happens to be the easiest.

Few things in my life have been my choice, Kaveh. Certainly not my connection to Sylvian. So I don't relish relying upon her power when I need to repair myself, but sometimes it's necessary. Don't get the wrong idea; the limb removal is a different god entirely. Sylvian repairs, to her credit.

Which is all I'll give her.

[ they abandoned him, kaveh thinks.

this ought not be new. heine and netzach both come from worlds where the norms challenge everything that kaveh has known about empathy and kindness, societal justice and care. but family - that is something that kaveh holds. there had been a sanctuary of light and warmth. that sanctuary had been broken by his own two hands. but there had never been a moment where kaveh could or would blame his parents for it; the love that you get as as child is the love that sets.

what love set for daan that day? kaveh looks. the look he gives daan is one of sorrow, of terror, of a deep-burning fury. ]

Which is all you can give anyone in your story. [ kaveh says, and closes his eyes. briefly, the world winks out. the back of his eyelids burn for it. ] Once again, the only thing I can offer is an apology.

You should have choice, and safety. Above all else, you should have been protected. I am sorry.

[The spell fades as Daan closes his hand and his eye closes. It's not new. Daan has told that story what feels like a hundred times now, in various details, but never lying. He thinks of Elise -- beautiful Elise, bold Elise -- who found fascinating, amusement, and entertainment in the tales. Baron von Dutch found interest, as it fed his obsession with the occult.

Vergilius reacted with anger and horror. Kaveh reacts with sympathy and kindness. It does offer, yet again, another perspective on Daan's life in the von Dutch household. What is the truth? What was he convinced of? How desperate was Daan to be loved back then? Is that why he's constantly taken aback when he receives it in this city?]

...I appreciate your sympathy. I do.

[Which is a stark difference between Roland and him. Roland is never a fan of it -- empathy or sympathy. Daan is taken off guard, but he doesn't dislike it.]

I guess that's why I was fine with becoming a doctor. ...To give what I was denied. A helping hand, when I never got one. For all that's worth, anyway.

[ there's a humanity in daan that has not been quashed. kaveh knows how easily it is to lose that strand of it. the diadem had been shattered on the forest floor. kaveh had done so so that nobody would ever make that mistake ever again. but sachin had been the first to lose his mind, and he had done so because he had wanted to see just a shred of goodness in a world that had so very little in it.

kaveh breathes out. he opens his eyes. ]

I am glad for it. This one thing. That despite what you went through, they held no claim on your heart. That you can be true to it.

[ kaveh continues, quiet and sure: ] I am glad, too, that you allow yourself to love despite it. You truly are made of more love than that Goddess ever is.

It's a balance, to be cynical but also not quite giving up on people whose lives they cannot control. I like to think I've found that for the kind of place I'm from.

[There's a pause, and he isn't sure how to respond to that line again. Being made of more love than Sylvian... like that's hard.

But he knows what Kaveh means by it.

Daan opens his eye.]

I've loved more than once by now. Not to claim that I'd ever been loved, until I got here. Bit hazy on that particular subject. But I've always struggled to ignore the plights of people who couldn't control their situation.

It's something I know too well.

A bit hazy.

[ the weary amusement, but there's a glint of it here. ] Certainly you can begin recognising it now, right? The shape of love, the presence of it, the fact that it's directed towards you.

Isn't it strange, to have it be reciprocated?

...It is. Before I talked to Vergilius and told him, all I could think of were reasons he shouldn't love me.

[Daan rubs the bridge of his nose.

He thinks, once again, how Marcoh asked him why his username was "loveless." And the answer he could not give the man.]

Which should be fucked up, because I was married once. I loved once.

[But he isn't sure that he'd ever been loved.]

[ reasons he shouldn't love me, daan says. kaveh thinks -

... it lodges, somewhere in his chest, like an arrowhead or a thin spider's strand, one that perforates and draws blood as if a three-millimeter spout. ]

But you did not say you were loved, once. [ says kaveh, because he has lived with a haravatat for half his life, and the haravatat understands words, and what their absence means. ] ... were you afraid, that he would be making a mistake? Vergilius, that is. In loving you.

[Leave it to Kaveh to pick apart and find the piece of information that Daan did explicitly leave out.]

I don't know if I was or not. The more I think about it, the more I realize that maybe it was... I don't know. [Daan shakes his head.] I might never know for sure, if my marriage was just a sham or not. But my love was genuine. It still is, in some ways.

I guess... I thought to myself that if my parents couldn't love me, if my wife didn't love me, then there's got to be something fundamentally wrong with me. And sure, I have a lot of flaws. Who the fuck doesn't? I was sure that... if I told him about my worst parts, he'd leave me alone. He'd hate me, because that's all I could see.

[Pet. Filth. Puppet. Plaything. Degenerate. Fraud. Put on a new mask, another, and another.]

It wasn't a clean confession, as you can see. I tried to make him see the worst I had to offer, but all he gave me was his compassion. There's a part of me that still isn't sure I really deserve that, but I'm holding onto it.

You would know. [ kaveh says, firmly, with the truth of the world on his lips, ] If you were loved, you would know.

[ it goes a little like this - the hypothesis:

the counterpoint:

a socratic dialogue in tandem. kaveh does it with the still-brimming shadow of alhaitham in the back of his mind. he says, aloud: ]

You are remarkable, Daan.

I have a hypothesis. My hypothesis has always been that the love that a child experiences first in their life is the love that sets. If the nature of that love is unreliable, then so does the child learn that the nature of love is to be unreliable. But here you are, presenting a counterpoint with your entire being. Despite not having been loved, you love as if you have always known it.

[ kaveh looks. ] Here is another perspective: despite all that you went through, there has to be something fundamentally right about you, for being able to love.

[Would he know? But, wasn't Elise affectionate sometimes? Wrote him letters while he was away to war, and her picture brought him comfort. Perhaps, in her way, it was affection, but ... perhaps that also wasn't necessary love, the way Daan loved her anyway.

Because he does feel starkly different with Vergilius, who despite his own horrific life, is able to express it. And there's never any confusion, even in their own brand of a love language. Be it taking verbal shots at each other, or poetry.

Daan blinks a few times in secession; one day, he wants to bury Elise figuratively. Is it through condemning everything, or is it simply letting go?]

...Remarkable, huh.

[Funny. He doesn't feel very remarkable. Or right about anything. But if he was a complete lost cause, nobody would bother with him. Certainly not people from that dreaded City.]

These almost sounds like compliments. Are you feeling all right?

[quickly, he has to be flippant and cover everything by being a smartass]

[ the look kaveh gives daan over his red-rimmed eyes is terribly wry. ]

Of course I'm not alright. [ says kaveh, who can still feel it - the sorrow and the fury both. ] I am furious.

[ because in no world should anyone have to endure the abandonment and the loneliness and the terror and the self-loathing. and in no world should daan have come from that experience choosing kindness above all else. it's not merely remarkable, kaveh thinks - it is, in fact, a miracle.

this, kaveh doesn't say. instead: ]

Furious, and glad at all once, for your past circumstances, and for what you've been able to let yourself love despite it. You've given me emotional whiplash in the worst possible way. Accept the compliments, or I will say them again.

Emotional whiplash, huh. That sounds like something I'd do to someone all right.

[The doctor's voice is wry, but soft enough that he doesn't aim to tease any further. For all that Kaveh gives him hell, he does respect that the other man speaks his mind. Not enough people do, Daan thinks.

A person who chronically cannot stop caring or fussing, either. Daan is probably not different, he just has a different method to it. Funny, that.]

Well, I suppose I've no choice but to take them, then. Fine.

Good.

[ says kaveh, who means it. ] That does remind me - when are you planning on changing your display name? It's a bit inaccurate now, isn't it?

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cw: csa implication, child abuse and neglect

grips daan, but gently

yeah............. yeah | cw: implied prostitution

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